Happiness is often curtailed by guilt.

It's been a long time, but I'm finally back. Back to the land of computers and typing. I'm back to being able to blog and write! To edit my videos and photos! I'm back and it's all thanks to the awesome Karl; for setting up my beautiful desktop computer. Which is about a million times faster than my crappy laptop.

That laptop, while it helped me achieve a lot in its time, it really was a piece of shit! I remember the day I got it, I ordered it from Argos…oh I know; that was my first mistake. It turned up a little battered and bruised already and they had the cheek to say I DROPPED it. The memory on it was shocking and the speed was even worse. NOT WHAT WAS ADVERTISED. It was a bloody nightmare from day one, but it's gone. May it rest in fucking peace.

It's been a roller-coaster of a couple of weeks, I can tell you. My mind is spinning and while I'm doing a lot to keep my mental state in check, it is wobbling. I will have to say I am handling things a lot better than I thought, and I have been focusing on that little thing called positivity…and of course, lots of Gin!

I have a lot to be thankful for, and I have a lot of laughter and love in my life; which is a lot more then I can say for most.

I also have a lot more to focus on too in the next coming weeks. Things that I can throw myself into to avoid all my crazy thoughts. Looking forward to a little change.

Okay so let's talk about guilt for a moment. Guilt is such a crazy concept, isn't it. Its filled with such a range of mixed emotions that half the time we don't know if we should listen to ourselves or ignore it

The world isn't always black and white, and yeah, if you are an outright liar, cheater, or plain old dickhead; than of course you should have every right to feel guilty about that.

But what about the rest of us? The ones that feel guilty for forgetting to put the washing on the night before, or the ones that say no to plans they didn't want to attend in the first place. The ones that hate to let others down, and stress ourselves out, as we put ourselves in weird positions to please people.

I go on about mindset a lot, and getting down to business that's the only way to push these feelings aside, or better yet deal with them.

You have to give yourself a break. It's okay to fuck up sometimes and is not okay to make yourself more stressed or anxious just to make everyone around you happy.

I mean right now, I'm feeling super guilty about being extremely bad on my diet and exercises lately, and on my gods, have I noticed it. Not just in my appearance but in the way I've been feeling recently. I am so tired all the time and my body aches. I feel so moody and drained it's crazy. Isn't that the funny thing though, you need energy to move, to be more energetic, but you can't find the energy because you know, you have no energy because you haven't moved. Uuhh if you get me!

However I could sit here and worry about this all day if I wanted to, but that is where the whole mindset comes in. It's about telling yourself it's okay to eat the last doughnut, and it's okay to start your workout routine tomorrow. It's okay to miss a night out, and what's more important is that you should not listen to anyone who thinks they have the right to make you feel guilty about any of this!

It's an old saying, but a good one; why worry about things you can't control, and it's okay having an off day sometimes.

I use to have such a bad trait of needing to control everything around me; and I'm so pleased that I was thrown into a situation which made it completely impossible to do just that.

I still have my moments, and I have to give myself controlling habits to ensure that I don't let things fall apart around me, and put myself back into that dark deep spiral of doom.

I was super proud of something that happened to me a couple of months back, and the summarised story goes like this; - "ahhh my exhaust just fell off my car" - SCREAM! (well more of a AHHH FUCK!!), this went on for about 5 mins, cause hello my car was falling apart! I took a deep breath and rang Karl and Steph, (who didn't even believe me because I was so chilled - insert proud moment of calming myself down). They walked outside the house, we all laughed as I waved my exhaust box in the air, because I was that lucky it happened on my front door step. I rang the garage straight away, instead of panicking, they could fit me in that night! Great! I than asked Karl if he would come to the garage with me, because I can control that; I can ask for help, and having his support helped me stay calm. We go to the garage. Laugh with the mechanic as I again hold the exhaust box in the air. Mechanic looks at it. Gives me an amazing price. We walk home. I chill and laugh with the housemates for a bit. I then walked with Steph and her sister to pick it up. Car fixed. We got us some exercise in, and this whole thing reminded me, that my mechanic is awesome, my housemates are awesome and my car has now been given the love it needed. (The roof is now leaking, but we won't go into that…)

It's about looking at the small things you can control, deal with the hand that is dealt and all that.

I read a book at the beginning of the year called Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k by Sarah Knight and I suggest everyone give it a read.

It completely changed the way I process any circumstance. The whole book is a guide to cleaning out your life, to stop feeling guilty and to focus on the most important person to you; yourself!

I'm not going to lie, and the book tells you straight from the get go, this isn't a book that's going to make you many friends, but it's going to remind you to look after the real ones.

It does exactly what it says on the tin, and makes you really not give a fuck. it reminds you to throw away mindless childish games, and childish people.

It helps you clean out your life, not just in the sense of your mind, but an actually clean out of your space around you kind of way. Why do you think I've become so obsessed with decluttering. Having a positive space around you, gives you a more positive atmosphere to be more productive, to be more happy and to be focused. To be more you!

(A good working computer also helps…)

Anyway…fuck negativity!

You've got this!!

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